Week 5: No Force For You

Hello and welcome back to the Weekly Wrap-up starring me. Can I just be full time commissioner and be relieved of managing duties because this is just plain painful at this point? Anyways, some wacky stuff happened this past week in fantasy: some teams won and some teams lost; some players scored a lot of points, my players scored very little points. Did I incorrectly use the semi colon just now; probably. Who cares; I certainly don't. Anyways let's just hop right into the rankings since I know GM Ian and GM Connor have been oogling over where their team will be ranked for the past 72 hours.


Power Rankings:

1. Bigpapihugetime: GM Kurt has certainly slowed down since his team's red hot start, but still leads the league in total points scored by a 40 point margin.
2. Kraft Beer: A 2nd loss for GM Ian is disappointing, but that's certainly not due to his WR or RB positions. Newly acquired QB Murray will hope to put an end to his QB struggles.
3. Mr. Nice Guy: 4th in total points scored yet tied for worst record in the league...
4. Belichick Yo Self: Wow, what a week for GM David who came this close *puts index finger and thumb about an inch apart and shows it to the screen* to beating GM August's all time scoring record for a single week. Continue balling
5. Tittsburgh Feelers: A tough loss to follow up a great win from the previous week isn't what you want to see.
6. Juice is Loose: Back to back sub 100 point games knocks GM Kelly to his lowest ranking so far this year.
7. The Underachievers: A 2nd big win for GM Dom but mainly due to RB Jones astronomical performance. Still some question marks elsewhere but this team could go on a run.
8. Leprechaun Soldiers: GM Connor claimed his 2nd victory of the season and with RB Gordon back, he could continue to climb the rankings.
9. Miking Mikes: WR Thomas destroyed for GM Darren in his victory this past weekend and RB Jacobs could help give the Mikes the boost up the rankings to start matching their record, but first he has a bye.
10. Scoregasms: Yay, GM Brody got his very first victory of the season this past weekend! In epic fashion too with a 137 point performance. With Carson and Kittle, more wins are in the future for the Gasms.
11. 5 Year Plan: Finally cracking the 100 point threshold, congrats.
12. Romanian RAPOs: I really hate this game guys.

This past week of games had some of the highest scoring we've seen in the league all season with 8 stating players scoring 30 points or more. This also left our league standings in a perfectly symmetrical distribution. It's pretty heartening for a 1-4 team to see that you are only 2 games out of a playoff position...

Matchup Highlights:

Rivalry Week very quickly turned into Boat Race week, with all 6 of the matchups being decided by double digit victories. The closest of which saw Scoregasms (1-4) come from behind Monday Night to win 137-126 thanks to the efforts of Kittle and San Francisco Defense who combined for 36 points. They, along with 38 points from QB Ryan and 22 from RB Carson helped GM Brody to somehow get the edge over a CMAC ATTACK from GM Grafton and Mr. Nice Guy (1-4). RB Michel did his part in the defeat with 21 points of his own, but with several players scoring below 7 and WR Evans goosing and ghosting, it simply wasn't enough for the Nice Guys. They will look to rebound next week while GM Brody's thirst for victory has only been quenched for the moment as the Scoregasms will need to start stringing wins together in hopes of staying in the race; the playoff race that is, not the boat race.

Miking Mikes (4-1) cruised to victory over Romanian RAPOs (1-4) by 34 points. Even without WR Thomas, GM Darren's best player on the day with 34 points, the Mikes still would have emerged victorious as the ball has completely stopped ROLLING for GM Michael and the RAPOs. Even with 39 points from QB Wilson, 7 other starters scored in the single digits with only Mixon joining the star franchise QB in the double digit scoring world. The more this team performs, the more it is looking like another lost season for GM Michael.

GM David is certainly happy about the victory as his Belichick Yo Self (4-1) steamed past 5 Year Plan (2-3) 185-101 in what is the biggest blowout of the season so far (I think, I didn't actually bother checking but it's gotta be right?); however David could have been ecstatic, having just missed out on breaking the all time record of 195 points, set in 2015 by GM August himself. 6 of the 9 starters for the Bloomers (I like this name a lot more David) scored 20 points or more, which made up for the 0 starters on the Planners who scored that high. Guess scoring 20+ points just wasn't in the agenda?

Bigpapihugetime (4-1) rowed past The Juice is Loose (2-3) in a matchup that always had a clear winner yet somehow I was the only person to pick GM Kurt in the Pick Em Challenge. Even with WR Jones disappointing and TE Olsen goosing, the rest of the Huge Times stepped up to earn the victory with 6 players scoring double digits, led by WR Godwin who led the matchup with 27. RB Cook was the only player who really held his weight for the Juice Boxes as everyone else sprung a leak (HA a boat reference and a juice box reference all in one. Do I get bonus FAAB for this? Also I checked through the league matchups and can confirm GM David did have the league's largest blowout of the season, 2nd only to GM August's infamous thrashing of GM Dom in Week 3 of 2015). 

The Underachievers (3-2) sailed past Kraft Beer (3-2) in a 20 point victory. RB Jones put every person that has ever underachieved on his back and carried them all to a 47 point explosion including 4 TDs and over 175 total yards. GM Ian and the Krafties had absolutely no answer for Jones as even the joint 20 point performances from WR Boyd and RB Fournette couldn't match RB Jones single handedly beating down everything, leaving a path of destruction in his wake (ha wake). 

Leprechaun Soldiers (2-3) motorboated through Tittsburgh Feelers (3-2) in a 53 point victory led by QB Watson; who scored 53 points on 5 TDs. GM Matt and the Feelers disappointed all around with Watkins leading the way with a textbook goose and ghost game. RB duo Kamara and Mack sufficed in the defeat with a combined 32 points but were overshadowed by newly acquired WR Thielen, who scored 28 points in his debut for the Soldiers.

Weekly Awards:

• Oh Boy! Play of the Week:

GM David wins the Oh Boy award for week 5 with his epic play of WR Chark. Although he was almost forced to start him as star WR Adams missed the week on an injury, the 31 points were an amazing performance worthy of the play of the week; especially with other options available to FLEX.

• Murphy Mixup:

GM Darren returns to claim his namesake award despite the victory as he left RB Jacobs on the bench with 29 points. I had to hear about the great performance on the bench from Darren all while watching his team beat me even without the extra points from Jacobs so that was just great.

• WTF Waiver Wire:

GM Connor dropped $12 on backup RB Edmonds after recently spending $41 on backup RB Gallman who just got injured himself. We'll see if the $12 was worth it as starting RB David Johnson will be monitored closely throughout the week with his back injury.

• Crackhead of the Week:

GM Kurt benched WR Cooper, the WR #2 on the year, who ended up torching the Green Bay secondary for 32 points and a career best 226 receiving yards. He was taken off injury report and cleared to play on Friday so there were no question marks on his availability on Sunday. GM Kurt and the Huge Times still won without him and are atop both the Power Rankings and the League Standings so who am I to judge. Maybe I should go bench my best players now since starting them obviously hasn't been working. You may just be onto something here Kurt.

That will do it for the Weekly Wrap-up. I have no thoughts of inspiration to leave you guys with but I am interested to see: did I use a single semicolon in the correct way? Let me know with the example and you'll get bumped up the Waiver Wire Priority List behind Kelly; who won last weeks secret challenge. And if you win Kelly, you get $1 FAAB since you already at #1 Waiver Priority. Have a great rest of the week and may the force be one with me and me be one with the force this weekend. (I been maying the force to be with all of you guys all season and all last season and clearly it hasn't been reciprocated; so no force for you guys). Commish Out.